My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
very niche meme I made
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
A small tragedy.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.