There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow