The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
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Golf would be better with landmines.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
mom had nothing to worry about
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
This came to me in a dream.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no