Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Everything reminds me of my ex
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.