[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
i think we should see other cousins