i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.