We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.