If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
what kind of cook setting is this??
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.