MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
concern
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice