She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”