*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
early stone age tool
thinking about a very short hotdog
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.