Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Uh oh…
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.