He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.