A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?