Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
gentlemen, hear me out