Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.