1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.