There’s only one good girl here!
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Is….Is this an option?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.