Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The Backseat Boys
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
mathematically impossible
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?