Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.