My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live