My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
How do you like your Corgi?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard