Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.