[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Me trying to walk in a dream
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.