I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Morning my dudes.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher