“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree