“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
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You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…