Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
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Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
New menu item
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?