My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Oh yeh? Explain this then
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
dictator is short for richard potato
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.