Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Happy weekend !
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
selena gomez
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Pass gas, not judgment.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.