Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?