Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is