Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
How do you milk an almond?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.