* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
nobody’s gonna understand
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.