My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.