Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Body by sandwich.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.