me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Pot warmers of the day.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married