You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
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[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
guys I’m going home
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.