I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Has science gone too far?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.