Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.