*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I can also cook 😂
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”