My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine