[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.