Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant