[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*