“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
You Might Also Like
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Received some very disappointing news today
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.