We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
let’s discuss
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.