*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”