saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day