Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.